School Can Really Make Me Cry

And I’m not the only one. Growing up, I heard that some people didn’t enjoy school, and I thought it was just because they weren’t good at it. Looking back, I think I got lucky that I was the sort who actually enjoyed her classes in high school, because the curriculum is so constraining, so one-sized fits all, such a disaster for so many people. I should add that my luck probably wasn’t entirely due to personality — I went to a school that had largish offerings and because of its history and reputation, attracted particularly strong teachers. I might have entered the school = tears bit kind of late in the game (college & grad school), but in a sense I am glad it caught up with me. It’s important to understand how the educational system can sometimes fail to properly and happily engage bright and/or driven students.

Silly me, I didn’t choose a college that was known for world-class teachers. (scholars, yes/maybe, but good scholar is frequently orthogonal to good teacher.) And as anyone who is a grad student knows, grad school is frequently defined by the absence of good teaching, which can lead to a lot of tears. So instead of focusing on the theoretical issues at hand, I want to spend a little bit of time just talking about the emotional component of being a grad student.

I received my “divine” mission to write such a post today while I was at the acupuncturist (where I am getting help with pain management for a bulging disc in my back), and after chatting with Dr. Wang for a few minutes about my frustrations with my current research situation, I was dripping tears and snot onto the floor as my body convulsed with sobs. Physics is supposed to be this logical, emotionless pursuit. So is so much of academe. Why has it become capable of reducing me, someone who will avoid crying in front of someone else at all costs, to a mess of escaping precious bodily fluids?

Well, let’s make a list. Grad school is hard on the body&soul:

• Supervisors frequently only focus on deadlines. Read: Carpal tunnel? Don’t care. Get me that code.
• Supervisors write books, have families, and manage their time poorly. Read: You need help? Take a number that never moves up to the front of the line.
• Departments have spectacular bureaucracies that are potentially designed to discourage all but the most ardent graduate student. Read: You need something? Yeah, so do we! Like a bigger staff, a raise, and more vacations. Thanks university budget cuts!
• Grad students are expected to like an automatonic lifestyle. Read: Don’t have a partner and children. (so preferrably be male) Definitely don’t have parents who get sick.
• Since the academy fancies itself as some sort of independent, objective community (yeah right), we’re expected to focus on being objective and avoid getting political. (even for political science students this seems to be the case) Read: any concern for the community around you can and will be used against you.
• This includes the community immediately around you. Read: Don’t expect your officemates to be at all interested in how you are doing. Don’t expect compassion or any kind of lovingkindness from your peers. If you get some (as I do from my officemates, thanks to an office move), that’s great! But you’re lucky.
• This includes the professors in your department. Read: If you may be falling through the cracks (which means your supervisor isn’t noticing), don’t expect anyone else to notice either. And if they do notice, don’t expect them to do it in any sort of active, useful way.

Okay, so it sounds like I am bitter, right? Maybe I am, but I can’t tell you how many people nod when one mentions some of these issues. And the horror stories I hear! Ayo. There’s a reason there are so many books out there about how to survive grad school, and it’s not because grad school is easy to navigate. All of them have a chapter (or more) on the psychological hoops required for grad school. If you’re feeling queasy/dizzy/what have you, it’s normal! It’s not you! It’s them!!

Lest I uselessly whine, I’d like to offer a few suggestions that have helped me survive. (I’ll have to save comments on dealing with racism and sexism for another day.)

• Counseling services. You don’t have to be suicidal or depressed to use these. At Waterloo, each faculty in the university has a counselor who knows that area, and I have personally found the science counselor very handy. (Although, it was disheartening when she told me that my issues/horror stories were not unique, that she had heard the same things over and over from science grads.) By the way, you don’t have to see this as therapy — just advice from someone who is paid to know how to navigate university life. Frequently these services are free of charge, so what do you have to lose?
• Brainless hobbies. Since grad school is all about milking your brain for every ounce that it’s got, it’s important to do things that help you shut down. Watch TV. It’s not evil. Play video games or do something else that maybe exercises your brain, but in a completely different and relaxing ways. I try to fall asleep reading a novel every night so that when I enter dreamland, my mind is far away from anything stressful. (well, as far as it’s gonna get …)
• Understanding significant others. If you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t very understanding about the trials and tribulations of grad school, it’s time to sit them down and explain why it’s extremely important that they be supportive. Remember you have to make constructive suggestions about how they do this. If they don’t seem to work it out, it may be time to move on. An unsupportive significant other is a stupid idea for anyone, especially a grad student.
• Ditto with the family. Of course you can’t tell your family to piss off like you can with a sigfig, but you can explain to your family how important it is that they offer you that listening ear or whatever it is you need.
• Find the funny. By this, I mean read/watch/listen to whatever you need that will get you laughing. That could mean grad school humour like The Grad Student Emotion Check-List or reading PHD (Piled Higher and Higher) Comics. Or it could mean something totally unrelated to school, like watching Grey’s Anatomy and making fun of Meredith and Izzy for being total ditzes. Read anything by Ben Greenman over at Gawker or Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. (Or pick up his books Superbad and A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both: Stories about Human Love.) Etc. etc.

Okay, all of this is common sense, yes? Yes. But a lot of it is stuff that I didn’t take seriously for the first few years of grad school. I wish I had. I probably would have spent less time trying to date jerks and more money on the last generation of video game consoles.

Anyway, as evidenced by my episode today, none of th
is is a guarantee that grad school won’t have you crying or doing whatever you do when you are totally freaked/stressed out. And that’s okay. What’s important is that you find a way to pull yourself out of it and find the people who will tell you that you can do it and the people who will help you do it.** And remember, it’s important to be in grad school, especially a doctoral program, because you are passionate about what you are studying. If you’re falling out of love, try to remind yourself why you fell in the first place. For me, that means picking up something by Carl Sagan. What is it for you?

I invite all grad students, former grad students, future grad students, people who know stuff about life, etc. to contribute suggestions for others to read. I know people are actually reading this blog, so you never know who you will help!